Tuesday, September 21, 2010

September's over?

I can't believe that September is almost over. I think I blinked and it was gone. This past month has been surreal. We have had people in and out of the house non-stop. Ryan turned 4, we put mom to rest with Vic, cleaning out her house, sea world with the family, went to work for a day. I'm tired! Everything is starting to slow down a little bit. Well, actually it's really hectic here but we are starting to be able to settle into a routine with the boys. They are great. Such a defining moment in their lives just passed and I am not sure if I should be sad or grateful that they don't understand this void in their lives. Mom was SO active in their lives. A week never seemed to go by where she did not see them at LEAST once.

I keep thinking in my mind what it would be like if the boys saw her again tomorrow, if she just walked through the door. Would they have big grins on their faces as they ran to grandma? Would Ryan be shy but when approached his cheeky smile would creep through his nervous face? Mom was so proud of the fact that if Noah was crying he would first want Tim and then if he wasn't there Noah would cry for her - not me! It didn't bother me though, I was happy they were able to have a close relationship.

I wonder if these thoughts will ever go away. I wonder if my heart will ever stop breaking for their loss. I wonder how our lives will change, if we are morning correctly. I wonder if we are cleaning too soon, then there are moments where I feel we are doing the right thing. Sometimes I feel blessed for what she was able to pass down to me, then I feel guilty for feeling blessed due to the high price we had to pay. It's weird to have someone this close to you die, the bag of emotions are mixed and hard to sort out. I know the logical responses to these thoughts in my head but my heart seems to be taking it's own path.


Lisa R said...

love you!

Kylie said...

You are doing great with everything! That is an AWESOME photo of Noah and your mom.

Glenda said...

What a beautiful picture! I'm so sorry I never got to see and talk with your mom again. I still can't believe she is gone. She looks so great in this picture!