Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Last thoughts

My words from this mornings memorial service:

I sit here in a state of shock, sadness, and fear. How did this become my reality? My mom and I have a complex relationship, we loved each other deeply but we didn’t always communicate effectively. I always wished things were different but also understood we had different ways of expressing ourselves.

Mom was a strong person. One of the most independent people I have ever met. As a parent I have so much admiration for how hard it was to raise two children on her own. Then she met my dad. She was no longer alone. I have great memories growing up. When I was 14 my father passed away. Mom was never the same. Her light went dim. She showed so much strength getting up out of bed every morning and pressing on without her partner, but it’s a tiring task.

One year ago mom began her battle with cancer. My heart broke. We knew from the beginning that this was going to be a long journey with a prognosis that didn’t give us much hope. Going through this with my mom was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Jeremy Camp sings a song that says:

I still believe in your faithfulness

I still believe in your truth

I still believe in your holy word

Even when I don't see, I still believe

I sang this to myself so many times in the last year. Before I went to bed, sitting next to mom in the hospital, the day she died. I look back through the last year though and realize that through all the pain and sickness my mom and I formed a new relationship. One where we were able to realize that the future is unknown and time we have here together is precious. We didn’t argue as much and loved each other more.

My mom is fierce and fought this cancer hard. I think she fought more for me though then herself. I think she felt ready whenever it was her time to go; after all she had a husband waiting for her. I had a daydream a few months ago, it was of her and Vic seeing each other for the first time in 15 years, the thought brought tears to my eyes. She told me in the hospital that she felt cheated that she wouldn’t get to see her grandchildren grow up but she started to tear up with the thought of seeing her husband again.

She loved us all but I think she knew we would all be okay. Of course she worried, but she knew. I don’t understand the fact that I have lost both my parents, what a lonely feeling. I am mad that my children lost their grandmother; I have such fond memories of my own grandparents and wished the same for my kids. A daughter should not lose her mother so early in life. Who do I call when I burn dinner and need a quick fix? Or teach me how to make gravy for the tenth time because I can’t seem to be able to add 3 ingredients together? Who do I call when I am at the hospital scared because my son needs stitches? Or when I am bored and just want my mom to talk to? I don’t understand! But even when I don’t see, I still believe.

I believe God has a purpose and a plan. I believe with His strength and the love of my family we will get through this hard time. I believe mom is where she wants to be, lonely no more.


Sally P-G said...

it was a beautiful service and while I did not know your mom, I was very moved and touched by the stories others told of her life. She seemed like such a wonderful woman and I wish I could have met her.

Kylie said...

It was wonderful Megan.

Lisa R said...

You did a fabulous job. I am so proud of you and blessed to have you as a friend. Love you!

Sharon Richardson said...

My prayers are with you and your family Megan.