Mothers Day

I am sitting here in a quiet house. It's mothers day and Tim has taken the kids to church with him early. I am using this time to edit pictures of Lisa's shower (coming soon). I haven't sat down to write a blog for a few days because I don't really know what to say or how to put my life right now into words.

It's mothers day and my mom is sick. Not the kind of sick that you can see. Actually she is feeling great lately. Better then she had felt in about 6 months. This is what cancer does to you though, poisons your body from the inside out. On this mothers day I feel scared, frustrated, and thankful.

Scared because I have lived this past week in fear of the future. Tim and I were talking the other day and I was reminded of a sermon I heard about 12 years ago. The thing that stuck with me are the words "Don't let fear paralyze you". Funny that I can't remember anything else he said but these 5 words have got me through the last few days. In life, we have to move forward in faith, keep our eyes on the prize, and know this world is temporary. I will no longer let fear paralyze me but will be driven by faith.

Frustrated because I feel helpless. When we are able to put our energy into fixing a problem we feel accomplished, that we did something that made a change for good. It may be feeding the poor, building homes for people who sleep in the cold on dirt. But this? There is nothing to do but wait. I hate the word wait! This is such an inactive step in the process. What are we waiting for? To be told we are going to live? To be told we are going to die? I hear there is a treatment? To hear there is not? Tell me now! Know now! Let's stop waiting and lets start DOING! But I can't. All I can do is... wait. It makes my heart sink. It makes me frustrated. But I will wait. I will wait for His purpose and plan, and right now the plan is wait.

Thankful. Right now, in this moment on this mothers day I have 2 precious, healthy, happy children and a mother who feels good enough to go shopping with me. I have a husband who took care of the kids all day yesterday and will have them most of the day today. He also cleaned the house last night while I slept on the couch. Yes, I am thankful.

I am not saying I will not have moments and being scared or frustrated in my future, or daily for that matter. What I am saying is I will fight these feelings with ones of thankfulness, hopefulness, and faithfulness.

For I know not what my future holds but I know who hold my future.